Perfectly Imperfect: "The Turning Point"

A few days ago I introduced Ed.  Anyone who has had any experience with eating disorders know they come in all shapes and sizes. They don’t discriminate by size, weight, ethnicity, gender, culture, age, or anything else for that matter. Sadly, eating disorders can impact anyone at all.  They aren’t always apparent and often times victims are very skilled at hiding their relationships with Ed behind their smile.  I know my own family and friends weren’t fully aware how deeply I was involved with Ed.  Some of them had ideas but it was mostly something pushed under the rug, the unspoken topic. It was easy to do because on the outside other than the fact that I was considered moderately thin, there weren’t any evident signs.  Like most women I had binging and purging down to a science, it was easy to hide. 

Looking back now I realize for the most part I was in denial.  In my mind I had everything in control and I had overcome so many other obstacles and challenges in my life I thought I could stop it anytime I wanted. I had done it before when I was a teenager. However, after being deeply entrenched in my relationship with Ed for more years than I care to admit and several failed self-help attempts I finally realized Ed had his hold on me.  I needed reinforcement to help me break the cycle once and for all. Looking back now I really don’t know how I thought I could do it on my own. In the end it took a whole team of experts to help me win the war with Ed including my therapist, doctor, dentist, nutritionist, psychologist, expressive art therapist, and the most amazing group of women I am so blessed to have met.  Together we struggled, took baby steps and overcame obstacles, cried, and ultimately grew.    

So you’re probably wondering what was the catalyst that led me to seek help. In retrospect I don’t think it was one specific thing.  I knew I couldn’t do it on my own and my relationship with Ed was beginning to take a toll on my life, my friendships and relationships. I had just lost my favorite uncle to cancer and Pete, my best friend in the whole world was losing his lifelong battle with spinal muscular atrophy. I started to realize it was difficult to create a healthy romantic relationship because many of the men I dated were just a different form of Ed.  Also, outside of general unhappiness because nothing was ever enough, there were emotional, physical and financial costs. In fact, when I finally sought help I was falling apart at the seams.  My health was not good, my electrolytes were out of balance along with a lot of other physiological complications I can’t even spell let alone explain.  I had dental issues and I had just turned 35 and was being diagnosed with osteopenia (the onset of osteoporosis).   My therapist and doctor both warned me that I was not healthy enough to run a marathon that I had my heart set on doing.  In fact, I vividly remember the day my therapist told me if I wasn’t committed to getting healthy she could no longer treat me because I was going to die and she couldn’t be a part of it.  Harsh words to hear, but exactly what I needed to get me on the right track and lead me to where I am today.