Remembering Gillian (Pronounced Jillian)

Gillian and Charlie's Christmas

December is such a nostalgic time of year.  Fond memories of Christmas as a child, the celebration of the birth of Jesus, Midnight Mass, listening to all of my favorite holiday music, festivities, twinkling lights, candles, trees all decorated, presents wrapped and topped with bows, freshly baked cookies, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and gestures of good will.  While I embrace the spirit of the season, I can’t help but remember losing Gillian two years ago. 

If you have followed my blog you’re familiar with my sentiments about being a mom. There certainly was a period when it was a role I had always dreamed I would play, but time and circumstances just weren’t on my side.  Of course, I’m not sad about it now.  As much as I wanted to be a mother, I knew the conditions had to be right.  Although women do it everyday, sometimes out of choice other times out of the cards life deals them, I didn’t want to intentionally go down that journey solo and on my own.  So instead of having children I chose to be a beagle Mom.  A role that unquestionably has had its own trial and tribulations. 

Gillian was my first beagle as an adult.  I named her after Gillian Anderson from the X Files and Gillian, the character played by Nicole Kidman, in Practical Magic.  She acquired several nicknames throughout her life…Baby Girl, Jillybean, Jilly, Beanie, Beanie Girl, Jills, Jillsie, and Monster hound were just a few. 

I remember the day I went and picked her out. She was 7 weeks old, the only red and white girl of the litter.  She was spunky and had a little red dot on her head.  A dot I would later refer to as the mark of the devil.  In my mind I had envisioned a cute little puppy that would be like the daughter I didn’t have.  Sweet and quiet she would sleep in a little box at night, play throughout the day with her toys and potty outside on command whenever I wanted her to. 

Looking all innocent after peeing on Mommy's bed

I'm not as sweet and innocent as I look

Clearly I did not do my research and read the dos and don’ts guide to picking out a puppy.  Taking her away from her mom before she was 8 weeks old was my first mistake.  Not to mention raising a beagle puppy in San Diego is much different than raising one in the backwoods of Missouri.  Of course if you know anything about beagles, especially red beagles, you know Gillian was the exact opposite of everything I had imagined she would be.  It’s not surprising she spent every day for the next 12 years of her life dispelling the fantasy I had built up in my mind.  She cried the whole way home in the car and the girl could howl, she ate through the box I had intended for her to sleep in and any other contraption I tried to keep her in, she always peed in her own bed and inevitably anytime she was mad at me she peed on my bed. 

Gillian played with her toys, but she never really understood the line between what was hers and mine.  She thought everything was meant for her. She ate my bed when she was 6 months old. Literally, I came home and my mattress was in a million pieces.  When I went to replace it I noticed she had been eating her way up through the bottom of it.  It’s a wonder I didn’t fall through.  The first few years of her life I was teaching sociology at the local community colleges. She really resented the time I spent on my laptop preparing for my classes and the time I spent on the couch grading papers. Whenever given an opportunity she chewed through my laptop power cords.  One day I noticed a spark and Gillian darting away.  It must have scared her as much as it did me because she never touched another cord.  On more than one occasion she also ate my student’s homework.  She loved the papers that were nicely bound in little plastic binders.  Imagine my horror having to tell my students “I am sorry, my beagle ate your paper.” 

Gillian was so smart. She figured out how to open doors and cupboards.  I had to install locks on the sliding glass doors in my bedroom because she would open them and eat my shoes.  Of course she never chewed two of the same pair, she’d always chew one shoe from each pair.  She could also jump like a jackrabbit.  She would tilt her head in such a way that she was able to grab things off the countertops or a dresser; that’s how she was able eat one of my invisalign trays and my retainer.

Gillian sucking on her baby bird

She was like Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde. On the one had she was super sweet.  She’s the only dog I’ve had that would actually come up and hug my neck.  It was so cute how she tried to wrap her paws around me trying to get closer.  At night she would burrow under the covers and sleep in the small space between my knees.  She also had this little blue baby bird she absolutely loved.  Every time I saw one at Wal-mart I bought it for her. Anytime she got anxious or excited she would hold it between her paws and suck on it.  Each one had a small indention in the same place on its head from where she’d spend hours sucking on it.

As sweet and loveable as she was, Gillian had a violent mean streak. That’s where she got her nickname monster hound.  It’s hard to describe, but she at certain times she would just go psycho and become really vicious.   A trait that is not unheard of in beagles, but also very rare.  Her nasty side usually appeared when she was scared or trying to protect something she had in her mouth that she shouldn’t have and didn’t want to give up.  When she was 3 years old she bit my lip off, another story for a different time. I’ll just say after 25 stitches for reattachment and reconstructive surgery it’s almost back to normal.

Mommy, I was a bad girl! I'm sorry, I bit the groomer

Fortunately, there weren’t any other serious incidents after that one, but I always warned the vet or anyone that had to deal with her for any reason they needed to muzzle her and take precaution because she had a red dot on her medical chart and was capable of biting. They usually listened and always thanked me for letting them know.  The only exception was the groomer at Petsmart. I told her at least 5 times she needed to muzzle Gillian, but she didn’t listen and sure enough Gillian bit her hand.  It was their fault for not following directions, but they still banned her and charged me a $5 fee. 

Gillian was very smart. She had the memory of an elephant.  She never forgot anything or anyone. She loved my niece and nephew and was always very excited to see them when they came to visit.  Unfortunately, if she learned something she never forgot it, like opening doors and cupboards.  A few lessons were positive. Like the time when she was 7 months old and she tripped me when I was making macaroni and cheese.  She learned her lesson the hard way when a little bit of hot water splashed on her.  She never entered the kitchen again when I was boiling pasta. 

Gillian like any other beagle was motivated by food.  I’m sure that’s how she learned to open cupboard and doors.  I’ll never forget the first time (definitely not the only time) she opened the cupboard and got into her dog food. She ate every bite her tummy could hold.  I found her happy as could be, fat as a pig lying next to the empty bag. Although it seems incongruous because she could inhale a bagel in one swift gulp, but she could also be somewhat dainty.  One year she got into the Halloween candy with her sister Emily (we lost her in a break up…another story for later).  Anyway, Gillian neatly opened the Hershey bars and only ate the chocolates, while Emily just chewed through the wrappers. Whenever I gave her artichokes she would just eat the bottom part of the leaf. 

Charlie and Gillian

In a lot of ways I admired and envied Gillian.  She was a true free spirit, resilient and persistent.  She always gave it the good fight and never gave up if she wanted something.  She was stubborn and hard headed.  I remember when I received the tragic news that she had congestive heart failure. The vet told me she would only live 1-to-3 months.  She was strong, she gave it her best fight up until the day she was laid to rest nearly 5 ½ months later.  I always wonder how much longer she would have continued to fight if I would have let her……

RIP in peace sweet Gillian! We love you and miss you everyday!