Eleanor Roosevelt wrote “I
do not think I have ever felt so strangely as I have in this past year…All of
my self confidence is gone, and I am on edge though I was never better
physically, I am sure.”
I remember studying socialization and the life course in the
‘Introduction to Sociology’ class I took during my freshman year at
Southwestern College. I was sitting in
the front row listening tentatively and taking copious notes and my friend was
a few rows back flipping through the most recent Cosmopolitan magazine while Dr.
Escalera described the different stages of life. He explained that while each stage of life
was related to biological processes of aging; the life course is generally a
social construction of the society we lived in. He told us sociologists define
the adolescence stage as a period when individuals transition from childhood to
adulthood. They start to gain independence, as much as a young 18 year-old
college student is able to, and form their own identities from their parents. At
that time I related to this stage the most because I certainly had all of the
typical insecurities of a young woman my age and was going through the process
of trying to develop my own identity. I
was leaving the 80s and childhood ideologies behind. I started growing out my
Farah Faucet layers and let go of peg legged jeans and pleated pants. I was a first generation college
student. I learned from my professors
that I had choices. I set my goals high,
not only did I want to transfer and earn a bachelor’s degree I wanted to keep
going and earn a doctorate degree (which I accomplished).
Dr. Escalera also taught us about middle adulthood. He told
us roughly between the ages from forty through sixty, people assess their
actual achievements in light of their earlier expectations. He said this was a time in ones life when
they start growing older, face physical decline and other factors that come
with aging. Most people during this time
assess whether or not if they reached their career goals, take a look at the
price of career success, and harbor uncertainties they might have about their
self-worth. I recall thinking to myself during
this part of the lecture ‘that will never
happen to me. I will live my life to the fullest and I never regret my actions.
I vowed that I would never stop and look back wistfully saying I wish I would
have.’
I had such conviction and determination
back then. Despite the best intentions
of my younger self, I sit here today trying to navigate my way through the
murky waters of my mid-life crisis without a compass or a map.
Early-Life Crisis
Before I talk about my mid life crisis I should mention the early-life
crisis I went through right before my 31st birthday. I remember it
as vividly as if it were yesterday. As I reflect on that time period I realize
instead of feeling invisible like Eleanor Roosevelt described, I had a false-sense
of confidence.
Although I regretted buying the car, I wasn’t too hard on
myself. I chalked it up to a learning
experience that did not alter my life too greatly. Fortunately, I made it through my early life
crisis relatively unscathed. Actually,
in a lot of aspects, I ended up better than where I started before it
began. Don’t get me wrong. The time-period between my early-life crisis
and my mid-life crisis was far from perfect.
Life certainly had its ups and downs and bumps in the road.
Mid-Life Crisis
It’s really hard to describe how I ended up here or when I
got here. All I can say, now that I am
here, amidst one of the most confusing times in my life and I am learning my
sociology books only scratched the surface of this stage. None of my sociology classes (did I mention I
earned a bachelor of science and a masters degree in Sociology) prepared me for
this roller coaster ride, nor did they tell me how to find my way off of
it. Most days I am stuck between
feelings that I am floundering about to being hopelessly trapped in
quicksand.
As I reflect on different aspects of my life I do not have
regrets about the choices I made in the past.
Overall, I am very happy about where I am in my professional and
personal life. I feel solid and secure
in that regard. My concern is not about
decisions I made in the past; more about decisions I make today and how they
will impact my life in the future. I worry more than ever about making choices that
I may regret later. Unlike my early-life
crisis when I was carefree, I am more cautious.
Instead of taking action without worrying about the consequences, I
overthink every move, so much so, that I end up doing nothing.
The best way to describe what I am going through is to describe
the different areas of my life.
Body—Physical and Emotional Changes
It’s no secret your body starts changing as you age. It’s a
natural part of the process. In some regards the changes were subtle and I
didn’t notice them right away. Others I
noticed immediately. Right after my
fortieth birthday I started noticing a few random coarse hairs growing on my
chin. Every year one or two more pop up,
it’s like a garden of weeds growing on my chin.
Last December I started to notice dry patches of skin and new lines
develop on my cheeks. It’s like they appeared overnight out of nowhere. Foundation doesn’t seem to cover the blotches
on my face and I definitely need to look into doing something about the veins
on my legs. I regret being so hard on my
appearance and myself when I was younger. As mentioned in the 1997 MIT
commencement address “enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think
of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.” I wish I had appreciated my body more
back then.
Aside from physical appearance, a common theme for me during
the past year has been injury and healing.
After months of battling a knee injury I had to give up wearing
stilettos. It pained me to see my
beautiful heels sitting in the closet. My
shoulder and hip injuries slowed me down at crossfit and running. Recovery was very slow as injuries during
this stage of my life are a little more debilitating and take longer to
heal. It’s not like when I was younger
and I bounced back more quickly.
Then there’s Mother Nature.
I’ve mentioned this before; I gave up on the idea of having my own
children when I was 37. I made peace
with that decision and have not had any regrets. When I turned 40, I felt liberated and looked
into having a procedure done to stop my monthly girl time and officially
prevent me from ever having children. I had
everything scheduled and then I got scared when I read the reviews and horror
stories. Now that I am 44, I still get
the monthly visit from my little friend. Honestly, I feel like it’s a big “F’
You” and cruel joke from Mother Nature. Although it’s physically possible to
have children at my age, people do it all of the time, it is not realistic for
me, and there are a lot of risks. Nonetheless,
I get the taunting and torturous reminder that it’s a possibility month after
month. Looks like the joke is on me.
This leads me to another fun characteristic of being over
forty. Along with all of the other body
changes, the hormonal changes have made me super emotional. I was already a very sensitive girl. In
normal situations I always wore my heart on my sleeve. Now, my emotions are hyper sensitive. If I were a super hero, my super power would
be the ability to feel. I have a
heightened sense of empathy and compassion.
Happy or sad, anything that has to do with emotions brings tears to my
eyes and I have no control over them. I
cry when I am driving, in meetings, during movies and concerts, when I am
reading books and news articles.
Basically if any emotions are involved I cry. Trust me this has led to some embarrassing
situations.
Career
I am fortunate to have my dream job. When I was 28 I decided
I wanted to be a dean of curriculum. In August I celebrate 9 years of holding
this position for one of the best community college districts in California. I
have enjoyed opportunities working with some of the brightest stars in this
area from community colleges throughout the state.
A few years ago I couldn’t see myself doing anything
else. Then in 2014-15, I had an
opportunity to service as the Interim Vice Chancellor of Instructional Services
for my district. I knew the job was temporary when I took it because district
policy prevented me from applying for the permanent position. I welcomed the
opportunity to grow professionally. What
I didn’t really expect at the time was that I would be successful at it. I received a lot of positive feedback, which
set the expectation that I would expand my leadership role. I put my name in the hat for a few positions
and came up empty handed, sad, and discouraged.
I didn’t make it past the first round for one position, I was a finalist
for the second one, and a high contender for a third one, but it didn’t work
out for reasons beyond my control.
The lesson learned is I can’t get there from here. I need
some other experiences if I want to move up the career ladder. This leaves me stuck with some tough
decisions. Do I stay where I am at and risk never being able to move up,
possibly preventing me from reaching highest potential in my career, or do I
try for other experiences? Am I willing
to leave my family, friends and the life I have built in San Diego? I really struggle with this decision and
honestly and I do not know what I am going to do. I know what I need to do, but I just don’t
know if the benefits outweigh the costs.
I wonder if I will regret my decision or indecision later in life.
Moving—Do I Stay or Do I Go?
Last year around this time I
started making plans to sell my townhouse I’ve lived in for 15 years and buy a small
house in my neighborhood. I was really enticed by the idea of having a bigger
backyard for my beagles, space for house concerts, and entertaining. Everything
was set and the day I was supposed to put my house on the market I got scared
and backed out. At the time I didn’t know what was going to happen with my work
situation, it was possible I was going to move.
Additionally, the thought of dealing with a house instead of a townhouse
seemed exciting, yet so daunting and overwhelming.
Here I am a year later and I am
more confused about this decision than I was before. A big part of me wants to
do it, especially when I see houses for sell in the neighborhood I have been
looking at, but another part of me is scared. I start thinking; do I really
want to take on that additional responsibility, additional maintenance and
burdens that go along with owning a single family home? Do I really want to put myself in debt that
much longer? I bought my townhouse when prices were much lower. Although I will earn more from the sell, I
will spend more for an equivalent house.
I could stay where I am and pay it off faster and not have to worry
about a mortgage when I get older. I
also think about my career, it’s still possible I will leave San Diego.
Mortality
I learned about death at a very young age when my
grandfather passed away. Since that time I’ve lost a lot of very important
people in my life, but honestly, it’s only been within the past few years I’ve
really embraced the reality of death. I think that’s part of the aging process,
you become more aware of mortality. It’s not just an unfortunate thing that
happens to other people, you embrace the harsh reality that someday you will
die and in most cases you don’t get to choose when or how. No one really leaves his or her house in the
morning thinking I may not come home tonight, but it happens every day. I
remember two years ago my neighbor passed away unexpectedly. I saw him at the
End of Summer 4 mile run just two weeks before he died. It was shocking because
he seemed so healthy. Then last year
there were a lot of wrong-way driver deaths.
So many people were just going about their normal life only to get wiped
out by a wrong-way drunk or high driver on the freeway. After a rash of incidents I tried not to
drive at night, but then realized it was happening during the daytime and early
morning hours. Jean de La Fontaine wrote, “a person often meets his destiny on
a road he took to avoid it.” I try not
to put myself in harms way, but accept the fact anything is possible. Since I am single, I really need to stop
putting off writing a will and getting my affairs in order. I think I avoid it because it feels so
official and honestly it’s scary.
Being Single
This is probably one of the most challenging areas of my
life that I am struggling with during my mid-life crisis. If you’ve followed my blog you know I have
failed miserably in this area. I just never seem to get it right. I will try to describe my struggles in this
area, but honestly, you won’t really know how I feel unless you’re standing in my
shoes. There are so many competing
forces that make it so difficult for me.
First, I never really thought I would end up traveling this
journey through life on my own. True, I have dear friends and family, but it’s
not the same as having a life-partner (or at least what I imagine it would be
like). Being childless was a lot easier
for me. I think that is mainly because
my heart was not completely set on having children of my own. I always expected
that I would find my soul mate.
Secondly, we live in a society that makes it very
challenging, especially for a woman, to be single. A few weeks ago I bought a
solo ticket to a concert to hear one of my favorite bands sing. The next morning I received an email from the
organizers asking me if it was a mistake that I bought one ticket. I know in her mind she was just
trying to be helpful, but for me it was another painful reminder of my solo
life. I immediately felt like a big
freak and started crying (a curse of my super power….the ability to feel so
intently). Most days I take being single
in stride, if I want to do something I do it, even if it means going alone, but
incidents like this one really test my strength and character.
I know the times have changed and there are a lot of single
people in our society, but old-age ideals are hard to break. When I reflect on
why this is so hard on me I realized from the time I was a young girl, I was
socialized to believe that a women’s status is primarily based on her relationship
with a man. I am constantly battling between what society has taught me and the
expectations of others, and myself for that matter. In all of the fairy-tales I read, the good
girl got the prince. Think about it, in Cinderella, the girls that did not get
the prince were the evil step-sisters or the villains or mean girls in other
stories. So of course, this makes me wonder...what is wrong with me?
When people (mostly men) hear that I am single and have been
single most of my adult life they always ask the same question “why are you
still single?” Or they say “you’re so
pretty, smart, successful, and sweet, I am surprised someone hasn’t snatched
you up.” I also hear from my female friends, “he’s not good
enough for you, you just haven’t met the right guy” or “quit looking, you will
meet him when you least expect it.” The only
thing unexpected that has come from a guy that I have met when I wasn’t looking
is how he has the ability to come in and turn my otherwise happy world
completely upside down and leave me slightly more shattered, jaded and
broken-hearted than I was before. Shame on me for that one, I am a fool every
time, and have hope that it will possibly end up differently.
Forgiveness and letting go has also played a big role in this process for me too. Actually it’s a big lesson I learned last fall when I agreed to have dinner with FBI guy, one of the biggest heartbreakers of all. I'll never forget when we were breaking up and he said to me "I wasn't cheating, I was falling in love." During dinner I discovered the bitterness I harbored all of those year and incidents I couldn't seem to let go of were things he couldn't even remember.
Along with tearing down walls, I am learning to be happy and
accept being single. It’s not easy that’s for sure. Embracing being single is like trying to spin
the world the other way. For whatever
reason this is my path. Fortunately, Randi Driscoll reminds me “If the shoe doesn’t fit
don’t break the glass trying…”
Finding my Way
So you’re probably wondering how am I finding my way out
of my mid-life crisis? Honestly, I don’t know. I am taking it one
day at a time. When I was going through
my early life crisis I had Ed(my battle with eating disorders) as my crutch to
get me through and numb the pain. Now
it’s more challenging, almost a double whammy. Since I battled Ed, I no longer
stuff my feelings. I have to deal with them and hit them head on. This coupled with my hormonal changes and the
super powers that go along with them I feel everything much more intensely than
I ever did in the past.
Music has really helped me sift through everything and find
clarity. My dear friend Eve just
released her CD “See Me With Your Heart.”
Ironically she wrote it when she was going through her own mid-life
crisis. Her songs have really helped me
through this. “Beautiful Dreamer” has
helped me learn how to dream again. Fearless
Heart has helped me break through my barriers. Randi Driscoll’s new song “Cinderella Left the Ball”
reminds me I have a choice in the dating madness game. Listening to Nathan Welden sing “Live Your Song” reminds me no
matter how confusing it may seem at times, life is a gift that can never be
taken for granted.
Tears are also helping me through this process. I cry and I cry a lot. I know this may sound like a symptom of
depression, but it’s not like that. It’s deeply healing and cathartic. It reminds me I am alive.
Finally, I turn to the trails. Surprisingly as I have lost
all of my confidence in all other areas of my life, I have no fear when it
comes to running. I signed up and finished a tough 50k in April and I just
signed up for one of the most challenging 50-mile races ever in November. For some reason I am not worried about failure
and test my limits almost waiting for it to happen. Running is my salvation.
