Love is in the Air

Disclaimer: I haven’t really been writing about matters of the heart.  I got mixed reviews.  Some people thought I was being a little too open and perhaps sabotaging any potential relationship.  I hate to admit they are probably right, but it’s such a big part of my life and my journey, I’d be remiss if I didn’t reflect on my feelings of love. 

It’s that time of year again; Valentines Day is peaking around the corner.  Facebook status updates of new romances blossoming, big pink and red hearts and other images of love surround me.  Even Sheldon Cooper celebrated his first long embracing kiss with Amy. Usually this single girl hurls at the very sight of all of this mushy love and display of affection and adoration.  I’ve also been known to lock myself up and hide my tears in my dark self -pity single cave. Oh and then there was the year I was at a Valentines Day function with my friend Susan and drew my infamous painting I labeled “Chronicles of My Jaded Broken Heart.”

I’ll admit I still look at it all a little wistful and wonder what is it other women have that makes them loveable.   However, this year is a little different for me.  I’m not completely sure why it’s different. I’m not dating, which actually takes the pressure off. There’s nothing worse than starting a new relationship around Valentines Day or any holiday for that matter. There’s the awkwardness of do we have to celebrate and if we do celebrate what is the expectation.  I’ve come to realize if a man runs with his tail between his legs and doesn’t acknowledge it (or any holiday) then he’s probably not into me anyway.

I think I am less cynical and melancholy about the approaching love fest that surrounds me because of my declaration this is my year of transformation.  Part of my transformation is to take an official break from dating.  After years of dating Mr. Wrong or Mr. Maybe and ending up sad and a little more broken than I was before I’ve decided I need to withdraw from the game for a while.  The year of the horse is my year to focus on self-love, not to be confused with selfish-love or selfless love.  While I am as independent and self-reliant as they come, I was raised with the old school mentality you need to be this and that for a man to love you.  Couple that with my accommodating easy going personality when I am dating, I end up doing foolish things and sometimes even self-harming things to make myself fit into his world.  Last fall I had that epiphany moment after a night of driving around at insane hours of the morning so I could mesh.  I was hit hard in the face with the realization the only person who cared about my personal safety and well-being was me.  We’ve all been “That Stupid Girl” at some point (http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=6085&mediaID=472458)  

It was the moment I recognized, as much as I adored the man I was dating, I loved me more. 

Only a month and a half into my journey and exploration for self-love/self-care I have discovered a whole new world of happiness.  I am transforming to the fullest extent.  I am spending my free time away from curriculum doing the things I enjoy and make me happy: learning to play the banjo, learning to paint, spending time with friends and family, doing little house projects, going out and listening to live music and just appreciating all of the beauty that surrounds me.  I think my discoveries will make me a better partner when it is time to start dating again.  

I am encouraged by my song of inspiration for the year, “There’s Always Time for Life,” by Randi Driscoll (http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=6085&mediaID=570680 ).   

Whenever I get sad or I start longing for the pieces I feel are missing I listen to it and am reminded to focus on the gems in my life. 

Why are you so caught up on the things that make you mad?


All the things that make you bitter used to make you glad. 


Why are you so fixated on all the things that you don't have? 


Look at what you do have.

I am also less sarcastic about Valentines Day this year because I’ve rekindled the sociologist within me.  I am taking extra time to recognize and observe all of the beautiful couples I know.  It’s uplifting to admire them, learn from them and celebrate their love. 

So bring it on St. Valentine…I’m not afraid of you anymore. The world of couples will be celebrating together and me…well, I’ll have red spoons in hand and will be having the time of my life listening to Cowboy Mouth with my dear friend Jen.  Fred will certainly remind me “I’m glad to be alive.”