Love is in the Air

Disclaimer: I haven’t really been writing about matters of the heart.  I got mixed reviews.  Some people thought I was being a little too open and perhaps sabotaging any potential relationship.  I hate to admit they are probably right, but it’s such a big part of my life and my journey, I’d be remiss if I didn’t reflect on my feelings of love. 

It’s that time of year again; Valentines Day is peaking around the corner.  Facebook status updates of new romances blossoming, big pink and red hearts and other images of love surround me.  Even Sheldon Cooper celebrated his first long embracing kiss with Amy. Usually this single girl hurls at the very sight of all of this mushy love and display of affection and adoration.  I’ve also been known to lock myself up and hide my tears in my dark self -pity single cave. Oh and then there was the year I was at a Valentines Day function with my friend Susan and drew my infamous painting I labeled “Chronicles of My Jaded Broken Heart.”

I’ll admit I still look at it all a little wistful and wonder what is it other women have that makes them loveable.   However, this year is a little different for me.  I’m not completely sure why it’s different. I’m not dating, which actually takes the pressure off. There’s nothing worse than starting a new relationship around Valentines Day or any holiday for that matter. There’s the awkwardness of do we have to celebrate and if we do celebrate what is the expectation.  I’ve come to realize if a man runs with his tail between his legs and doesn’t acknowledge it (or any holiday) then he’s probably not into me anyway.

I think I am less cynical and melancholy about the approaching love fest that surrounds me because of my declaration this is my year of transformation.  Part of my transformation is to take an official break from dating.  After years of dating Mr. Wrong or Mr. Maybe and ending up sad and a little more broken than I was before I’ve decided I need to withdraw from the game for a while.  The year of the horse is my year to focus on self-love, not to be confused with selfish-love or selfless love.  While I am as independent and self-reliant as they come, I was raised with the old school mentality you need to be this and that for a man to love you.  Couple that with my accommodating easy going personality when I am dating, I end up doing foolish things and sometimes even self-harming things to make myself fit into his world.  Last fall I had that epiphany moment after a night of driving around at insane hours of the morning so I could mesh.  I was hit hard in the face with the realization the only person who cared about my personal safety and well-being was me.  We’ve all been “That Stupid Girl” at some point (http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=6085&mediaID=472458)  

It was the moment I recognized, as much as I adored the man I was dating, I loved me more. 

Only a month and a half into my journey and exploration for self-love/self-care I have discovered a whole new world of happiness.  I am transforming to the fullest extent.  I am spending my free time away from curriculum doing the things I enjoy and make me happy: learning to play the banjo, learning to paint, spending time with friends and family, doing little house projects, going out and listening to live music and just appreciating all of the beauty that surrounds me.  I think my discoveries will make me a better partner when it is time to start dating again.  

I am encouraged by my song of inspiration for the year, “There’s Always Time for Life,” by Randi Driscoll (http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=6085&mediaID=570680 ).   

Whenever I get sad or I start longing for the pieces I feel are missing I listen to it and am reminded to focus on the gems in my life. 

Why are you so caught up on the things that make you mad?


All the things that make you bitter used to make you glad. 


Why are you so fixated on all the things that you don't have? 


Look at what you do have.

I am also less sarcastic about Valentines Day this year because I’ve rekindled the sociologist within me.  I am taking extra time to recognize and observe all of the beautiful couples I know.  It’s uplifting to admire them, learn from them and celebrate their love. 

So bring it on St. Valentine…I’m not afraid of you anymore. The world of couples will be celebrating together and me…well, I’ll have red spoons in hand and will be having the time of my life listening to Cowboy Mouth with my dear friend Jen.  Fred will certainly remind me “I’m glad to be alive.” 

Surf City Marathon—Michael’s Race

For most runners Surf City is just another marathon, but those 26.2 miles have a very special place in my heart. You see two years ago I decided to take on the Beach Cities Challenge, 3 full-marathons (Surf City, OC and Long Beach) in one year for a special medal.  Surf City 2012 was my first marathon in the series.  I vividly remember that race. A fire sparked within me, my pace was perfectly in sync.  Somewhere around mile 13 a ladybug landed on my arm. He hitchhiked right there for about 2 miles. For those who know me well, you can appreciate how magical that moment was.  The stars were aligned and everything seemed to come together perfectly.  I set a new PR that day.  I was flying high and on top of the world.

The message I listened to on my phone the next morning instantaneously grounded me.  The words I heard were a grave reminder how curious life is.  In being alive, like a roller coaster, there’s a slow climb to the top and then without warning in the blink of an eye we are plummeting toward the bottom of the hill.  The downward descent takes our breath away, holding on tightly we can’t help but feel a little helpless and hopeless. We’ve all been there before.  In our existence we can’t always predict when the wind will be taken out of our sails or how long it will take us to get back to the top. We can only pray by the grace of God our moments at the bottom are quick and painless as possible.

The news I received that my cousin Michael had passed away just a few short hours after I had finished my race left my heart (our hearts) shattered and broken with a gapping hole that will never be repaired.  Knowing that Michael took his life with his own hand still haunts us, family and friends, who loved him dearly.  There are so many what ifs.  What if we would have told him how much he meant to us and how much we loved him? What if we could have showed him like a roller coaster ride, we all fall down and even if it seemed so impossible our arms were there ready to help him stand up again?  There are so many whys.  Why didn’t we see the signs?  Why didn’t we call him and check in more often?  Why did everything seem so wrong?  Why couldn’t he hold on until the storm passed?  There are so what ifs, whys and questions that forever remain unanswered.  All we are left with are our cherished memories of his laughter, his smile, and his loving and kind heart, the tears in our eyes and our broken hearts we know will never quite be the same.  

Yesterday’s race was my second since we lost Michael.  I have to admit it was a very emotional start and finish.  I was already feeling sad and the images of sheriffs walking around with bomb sniffing dogs, a reminder of the Boston Marathon victims, engulfed me into another wave of sadness.  I didn’t fight my heartbreak; I didn’t even try to stop the tears that rolled down my cheeks. 

There weren’t any hitchhiking ladybugs to provide me with inspiration, but inevitably whenever I started to feel like I couldn’t run another step Michaels song, “A Warrior’s Call” by Volbeat, randomly played on my iPod.  Every step, every mile, every minute, every hour I thought of Mikey.  I dedicate my finish to his loving memory. 

A Quick Glimpse Through the Rearview Mirror—Looking Back at 2013

As I look at the calendar and notice it’s already January 24 (you would laugh if you knew how many times I have changed this date).  I realize I am behind the curve and a little late for this reflection, but better late than never… A quick peek back at the year I see a flash of sadness, happiness, laughter, and lessons learned.

The year started off with heartbreak when I lost my dear friend Julie to her lifelong battle with muscular dystrophy.  Her time in this world was too short.  As I sit here and read through all of the posts on her Facebook page with tears rolling down my face I appreciate she will always be a part of us.  She left us all with so many beautiful memories.  Her beautiful smile, contagious laugh, quirky sense of humor and zest for life will eternally be etched in my heart, our hearts. 

June brought more heartbreak when the sudden loss of Jackie Price Dunn shattered my Junior League family.  Jackie was another angel taken away from us way too soon.  While I didn’t know her well I mourned her passing with friends and family who did.  Her legacy is forever imprinted in the community. Her spirit continues on in our hearts and memories and the six lives she saved through the donation of seven of her organs.

Mercifully 2013 also brought a lot of happiness, laughter and friendship. There were so many cherished moments with family and friends, old and new.  We lost our beloved Aunt Joe in the spring and celebrated three weddings in my extended family.  I was delighted I was able to attend Josh and Megan’s wedding in Morro Bay.  My nephew Aaron graduated high school, another event I was happy I didn’t miss. I finally met my nephew Richard, his beautiful wife LaTisha and sweet adorable children James, Junior and Elizabeth.  Of course, I can’t forget, the new addition of Hannah Danielle to my beagle family.  She is a naughty red, but also the sweetest most loving beagle ever.  She stole Emily’s heart that’s for sure (my friend Chris’s three year old daughter). 

The year was filled with the continued tradition of 6 at 6 (meeting at 6:00 am on the weekend to walk 6 miles followed by breakfast) with Jen.  I treasure the memories of those many miles, countless stories (you’d be surprised…or maybe not of what happens in PB/Mission Beach at 6 am) and discussions.  We were sad to see The Eggery close, but World Famous became our new favorite post-walk breakfast place.  We also survived another Disneyland ½ marathon.

Speaking of miles, last year I got 3 more marathons and 3 half-marathons under my belt, not to mention all of the 5ks with Chris, Doug, Emily and the beagles. These short miles have become such an important tradition.  Last year Emily not only started walking part of the way with us, she actually made us run a bit.  Chris perfected her craft and crocheted us the most adorable turkey hats.  Charliebear (my little old man) made it through all of the races.  Of course, we’ve already started planning our races for 2014. 

Robin and Madlyn came to visit me in San Diego.  It was so much fun being a tourist in my own city.  We also had a short getaway vacation in Tucson…more sightseeing and laughter.   Even when we weren’t together we shared our lives daily through our Facebook chats and discussions. 

I went to so many concerts with Jen, Lori, Perla and Dennis I can’t begin to count them all.  Jen and I went to as many Steve Poltz concerts as we were able to attend, we found ourselves front and center at the annual Zac Brown concert, and were ecstatic Cowboy Mouth finally made it back to San Diego.   Lori and I went to almost every Eve Selis concert in San Diego,  Berkley Hart, Blame Sally, too many bands to name at the Adams Avenue Street Fair, Bob Wade,  Lisa Sanders and I introduced her to Peter Bolland, Tim Flannery, Steve Poltz and Shawn Rohlf.  I also spent a greater part of the fall listening to Chris Lea with anyone who would go with me.  

So many new friends entered my life.  What a true blessing it was to have connected with Shaila and her son Mack when I did.  They were like a ray of sunshine in my life.  Cherished memories of hanging out with the two of them, getting ice cream, discussing life with Shaila and learning so much about life through Mack’s innocent viewpoint. 

I celebrated my 3^rd year at CrossFit East County.  There were a lot of changes during the year.  So many new faces and friends we outgrew our gym.  I finally learned double unders, I was very slow, but at least I was able to RX a few workouts.  I achieved new PRs (personal records), but still did not master pull-ups.  I was very close and then something happened and I digressed and became more dependent on the band (my security blanket). 

I can’t forget the myriad of the life lessons!  I learned more about plumbing than I ever thought was possible with all of the Habitat for Humanity projects, my do-it-yourself bathroom remodel and the garbage disposal replacement project I did with my Dad.  There was always something to learn when it came to curriculum.  Ahhhh I will not forget all of those wonderful lessons concerning matters of the heart. It’s no surprise I started 2014 single (in a good positive way).   As Kelly Cutrone wrote “sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most.”  I wish I could say I have learned every lesson I in this area, but I ‘m sure there are more.  Let’s just hope I am wiser and I have learned most of the most difficult ones. 

Finally, what a refreshing feeling to look back through the rearview and realizing ED is so many miles away. Another year free from his wrath I feel comfortable saying there is no chance he is catching up to me anytime soon.  My struggles crossing the Rubicon and my journey to the other side of the mountain http://perfectlyimperfectinsandiego.blogspot.com/2013/09/crossing-rubiconmy-journey-to-other.html are such a distant memories. 

Of course, I’d be lying if I said he has completely vanished. ED’s ghost still remains.  I am sure it will always be there and it will always try to haunt me.  The only difference is I am stronger now.  I am prepared for the fight. This is a game of chicken I refuse to lose.  I’ve come too far and have learned too much.  I survived another holiday season, the time of year when some of the triggers that sent me down ED’s path always strike me head on.  Sure avoiding the stresses of the holiday season was a challenge. Kindheartedly I have learned to deal with them by making my own rules and traditions.  Ignoring all of the New Years weight loss ads and diet fads proved to be a little more challenging. Especially as I recognize I have gained a few pounds myself. Eek…some of my pants and dresses are getting a little tighter.  When I think about what losing those few pounds would cost me physically and emotionally, I resolve it’s time for a new kind of purging.  Time to clean my closets; those pants and dresses need to find a new home. 

I guess that pretty much sums up my year.  Goodbye 2013 it is time for one more trip around the sun.