A Little Glimpse into my Crazy

I have a confession. I am not the best communicator, especially when it comes to those “difficult” conversations.  Couple that with serious trust issues with men and you have the perfect storm for disaster.  It’s definitely not a pretty sight to see. 

I have to say I wasn’t always untrusting.  In fact I am pretty naïve and gullible most of the time.  Generally I have this perspective everyone is open, honest and will tell me the truth. Somehow I’ve lost that along the way throughout my dating years. I don’t know if the turning point was when Mr. Science guy told me he had been divorced for a year. I found out later his idea of divorced a year meant he filed the day before our first date. Or if it was the time Mr. FBI left some pretty incriminating evidence he was seeing someone else.  He had a very convincing story that I didn’t really see what I thought I saw.  Months later I found out “he wasn’t cheating, he was falling in love.”  Well in his defense, I guess you could say there was some truth to it he did marry the girl.   Or maybe it was after Mr. Blue Eyed Italian painted this elaborate picture of him visiting his family on the farm for the Thanksgiving holiday.   I was told I should text him because he would probably be out with the cow and pigs.  His story was so convincing, that was until his “girlfriend” called me to tell me he was with her and out in the pool swimming with her kids.  Swimming?  What?  It had to have been 29 degrees in Atlanta.  Oh wait, he wasn’t in Atlanta, he was in Phoenix.  

These are only a few examples of the stories I have heard over the years. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Needless to say a bruised heart no matter how hard it tries to trust, has some doubts.  I posted this quote I found on my Facebook page last week “[when it comes to matters of the heart,] a woman does better research than the FBI."  This is where a little glimpse of my “crazy” comes into focus.  After Mr. Science guy, I made it a point of doing my own research when the man I was dating told me he was divorced.  Don’t all women check the backgrounds of the men they are dating on “Court Case” records? 

Fast forward....I was convinced Mr. GC was holding something back from me because I could not find a record of his divorce.  Throughout our relationship I wanted to believe what he was telling me, I wanted to ask him what I thought I knew, but alas it was one of those difficult conversations the bad communicator in me just couldn’t bring up.  Looking back now I know there are probably a lot of things that led to our breakup, but my distrust put a wedge between us that certainly led to our demise. 

Ambrose Bierce wrote, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  I made one of those speeches last week to Mr. GC when I twisted some information I heard into my own perceptions.  I unleashed my evil twin on him and said some very hurtful things and made some false accusations, including what I thought I knew about him not being divorced.  Fortunately, being the gentleman he is he made a real effort to clear his integrity.    

Lesson learned the hard way…court case records are not always correct.  Turns out he wasn’t lying, they spelled his last name wrong on his documents.  Knowing this information doesn’t change anything.  I can’t take back my harsh words or undo what has already been done.  Hopefully, I can use this lesson to keep my “crazy” under wraps and reflect and learn from my mistake.