Perfectly Imperfect....Who is Ed

I can’t help but wonder how much truth there is to the infamous idiom everyone has a “skeleton in their closet?”  Does everyone have a deep seeded secret lurking in their lives? I know I have my own veiled past.  Most of the people who are close to me know about my secret, but even then only a small piece of it.  I have to say it’s not one of those stories you just blurt out, it’s not something that can be explained in a 20 minute conversation, it is just too complex and multifaceted.  To be honest I am still trying to delve through the layers and understand it all.  I think that is one of the reasons it has taken me so long to write this blog. It’s not a picture that can be painted on one canvas or an act that can be done in one scene.  With that said I will do my best to hit on the highlights in this blog where I introduce Ed.

Prelude: 

“Perfectly imperfect” was one of the hardest, but most important lessons I’ve ever learned.  I can’t take credit for coining this phrase, I first heard it in a song by Katie Lawhorne and since then read many different versions of it.    

“you’re perfectly imperfect, it’s as plain as day.
You might as well believe it, God made it that way.
Now there’s a wonder to be found,
It’s not easy but you’re worth it if you take a look around,
this is all perfectly imperfect.”

I vividly remember hearing the bright eyed young star sing so strongly and confidently about her awkward years.  Ironically, or shall I say fortunately, I first heard this song during a time in my life when I was facing the skeleton in my closet at full force head-on.  I really needed to learn that my imperfections were not only okay, but also they are what make me who I am.  The blemishes mark my humanity. 

It is unfortunate it took decades for me to learn this lesson, but a true blessing that I learned it before it was too late and the damage from the impact of trying to achieve “perfection” was permanent.  You see, when I heard this song I had just started my journey to recovery from decades of a relationship with a monster, whom many of us who have endured his wrath, call Ed. 

Who is this monster Ed?  Most women like me who have spent time in a relationship with Ed describe him as an insatiable brute.  He’s never satisfied.  The constant ringing of his taunting voice echoing “one more pound, one more inch, one smaller size, challenge yourself for another accomplishment” never ceases. Once Ed slithers his way into your life and once he has you in his grasp he has a way of making you think the image of yourself in the mirror is ugly and disgraceful.  He always wants more…nothing you do is ever enough for him. 

Ed takes on many forms of eating disorders, hence his name, Ed.  His most common cloaks are anorexia and bulimia.  There are certainly other types, but I won’t discuss them because they have not been imprinted in my mind like anorexia, disordered eating, and bulimia.  I also won’t discuss the gory details of my food rituals or size or weight issues as I realize these topics have a tendency to help others develop strategies.  They also set off triggers to those whom may be in their own combat with Ed. Rather I will discuss the factors that led me to finally stand up against him, my long journey to recovery, some challenges I have faced and victories I have enjoyed. 

To be continued...